I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
