Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
