I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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