someone threw a dead crab at me
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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