She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
