i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
