spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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