toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
