Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
