I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
