Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
