do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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