I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
