she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
