FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
