I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
