Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
