can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
