How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
