It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Sorry about my life...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
