i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
