WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
