how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
