i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
