sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
