He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
