no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize