i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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