are you so shy because you have an std?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
