her vagine was all disorganized.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
