Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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