my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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