You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
