and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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