He disabled his match.com account in front of me
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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