how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
