I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
