You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
