She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
