I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
