Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
