this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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