This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize