john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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