Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
