the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
