Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize