did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
