I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
being pregnant is like rehab
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
