Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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