Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
