I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
