I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Drunk is a universal language darling
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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