Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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