My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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