guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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