Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
