I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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