I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
