I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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